I was labouring away in the salt mine/debris field/firetrap that passes for my office yesterday, trying not to exhale too loudly and send the pile of bills/last demands/disconnection notices piled on my desk flying when much to my stunned amazement, I received the following email from Melodie Campbell, general manager of the Crime Writers of Canada:
“Congratulations to a number of CWC members who are eligible for the Giller long list. We think it is about time that a Canadian crime novel was in contention for the Giller. The first step is to get one on the long list.”
The Giller Prize? The Giller Prize? The Holy Grail of Canadian fiction writers? More sought after than the Stanley Cup (well, maybe not that sought after, but damn close…)? You gotta be joking! A swift look at the attachment confirmed that my name and She Demons: A Mister Jinnah Mystery were on the list. Oaths, exclamations – the pile of bills etc. went flying... Think of it – the increased book sales! The fame! The chance to meet Shelagh Rogers and eat raw seal blubber – or is that the Governor General? Whatever: wouldn’t be the first time I’d chewed the fat at a literary event. Okay. I’m gonna go out and get me a Giller. Gotta get on the Long List first. Oughtta be a snap – no problem (or, as Jinnah would say, “A small sacrifice, my friend…”). Better read the rules: the devil, as they say, is in the details.
A closer look revealed that I was not, alas, on the Long List. Nor the long, long list. More like the long-long-long-long-Wagner’s Ring Cycle-long list. There are some 224 authors/books eligible for this year’s Giller. Okay. Not bad odds – the actual Long List has 13 spots, for gawd’s sake. That’s about one in seventeen…
It was at this point that it occurred to me that as whimsical as some of the Giller Award choices have appeared over the years, they do not, in fact, simply put all the names in a hat, rummage around and pick one out at random. Best to check out the competition. Right. Are there any famous writers on this list? Lezsee… W.P. Kinsella, Bharati Mukherjee, Michael Ondaatje… nope, lightweights so far… David Gillmour (why did he have to stop reviewing movies?), Emma Ruby-Sachs, Miriam Toews (any relation to Jonathan? Have to ask her about that mullet)… Oh, gawd! There’s a bunch of my fellow mystery writers… William Deverill, Eric Wright, Lou Allin… still, maybe if they stretch the long list, I’ll have a chance… say to 113 spots…
Then my titanic ambition hit a literary iceberg. Rich, Roberta. No, not her! How am I supposed to compete with The Midwife of Venice? It’s been on the Globe & Mail bestseller list since February. It’s in Amazon.ca’s Top 100. Okay, I say to myself, don’t panic. Two can play this game. After all, She Demons is listed on Amazon.ca. A swift look at the website. Hmm... She Demons. Top 100… no, no, (is that James Joyce at #100? Tough crowd…). Looking at the top 1,000… nope… still looking… er, still looking… Ah! Here we are… #320,974. And climbing higher all the time…
Okay, I think, who needs this online stuff anyhow? Dammit, when I first started in the newspaper industry, we were still using lead type (no, that’s not an early form of computer). Good old fashioned print, that’s where it’s at. I’ll push sales of She Demons up so it’s top of the list… let’s see what’s involved… hmmm… Best seller, best seller… Industry experts say you have to sell about 5,000 books to have a best seller in Canada. Now just how many copies of She Demons got printed? Okay, once Mr. Jinnah is into his third printing, we have a good shot…
By now, the problem of what sort of tuxedo to rent and the proper fork to use for raw seal were beginning to feel more and more theoretical. I don’t have the profile of Michael Ondaatje (not even radical cosmetic surgery will fix this problem). I don’t have the sales figures of Roberta Rich. My online presence is further down the Amazon than a Timothy Findlay dinner party. How am I gonna get my Giller now?
And then, I read the fine print. CBC is having contest! They’re asking Canadians to nominate a book for the Giller long list. Of course! Social media! Why didn’t I think of it? You can topple dictators, loot whole cities using it. Swamping the CBC website oughtta be a breeze! Lemme see: bearing in mind how many books you have to sell to get on the Canadian bestsellers list… cross-correlate with the Amazon.ca Top 100… I currently have, let’s see… 170 friends on Facebook, now, uhm… what constitutes “going viral?” I appear to have had the equivalent of a social media flu shot.…
Right. Unless I can get about 4,830 new friends and convince all of them to vote for She Demons in the next 11 days, I have about as much chance of making the long list as finding a school of vegetarian piranhas. Okay, when in doubt, call in a few favours. Who are the judges in this CBC contest? Anyone I went to university with? The problem with being an old boy these days is that I am finally old enough to be an old boy, I realize that their idea of a network is not as simple as joining LinkedIn…
Judges, judges… Joshua… Ah! Howard Norman. Lives in Toronto. Don’t know him. Andrew O’Hagan. Don’t know him. Would have had to go to school in Scotland —not as far as Toronto, but close… Ah! Annabel Lyon! From B.C. Lives in New Westminster, no less. Surely she can help a fellow Royal City author. I’ll just shoot her a note on Facebook… But how to approach her? Perhaps if I offer to split the $50,000 prize with her… that would be $25K each and give a whole new meaning to The Golden Mean…
What’s this nonsense in the rules about not unduly influencing the judges? All the great judges in B.C. history have been unduly influenced – or is that under the influence? It’s all a fix! Scandalous! How dare honesty bar my way to literary fame! Haven’t they ever heard of Clifford Irving?
By now, bills, documents, drafts and all manner of papers line the floor around my desk (deeper than they normally do). Even the dog, who can normally stand my occasional tantrum, has deserted me. So has any notion of getting on the Giller Long List. If they had a Long Face, I’d be right there. What to do? Change my name to Vassanji? Buy every copy of She Demons and place orders for two more press runs? Hire Stephen Wozniak to hack Amazon.ca and magically switch places with Roberta Rich?
I trip over the papers of the floor. Cursing, I gather them up. The disturbed midden has cast up ancient deposits from the bottom. And there in my hand is the slightly rumpled title page of the next Mister Jinnah novel. And then, I have an idea – a Grinch-like, wonderful, awful idea. Suddenly, I know how to get onto the long list. Next year’s long list... Okay, Shelagh! Put the seal blubber on ice for now – I have a bit of typing to do first. How do you spell “Arrhythmia?”
